Unprogressive Press Release

After a serious of botched gifts to foreign heads of state, President Obama was determined to get it right this time. The President's Cabinet advised that he present Russian President Dmitry Medvedev with a gift from simpler times. They advised him to stray from the DVDs and iPods that had embarrassed our entire country. This morning Obama figured out the perfect gift. A gift from his childhood. Something that had prepared him for the difficult decisions he would have to make as president. He presented President Medvedev with the vintage Cold War Edition game of Battleship.

Unprogressive Press Release

Many doctors are threatening to quit if they are forced to perform procedures (such as abortions) that violate their conscience if Obama repeals a Bush era regulation that protects their right to not perform these procedures. In the spirit of compromise, Obama has promised these concerned doctors that in order to make it fair, Muslim and Jewish doctors will also be forced to eat pork in order to relate better to their patients.

Unprogressive Quote of the Day

"I just wanted to go on the record and say...I was unfaithful to my wife and I enjoyed every minute of it. Maria Belen Chapur is my soulmate and I love her like I have never loved anyone. Sadly, in order to save my political career, I will be ending my relationship with Miss Chapur, and I will try to put up with my wife for the rest of my time in politics. I considered resigning, but our country needs men of integrity in office."

Unprogressive Statistic

46% of Congress is Illiterate

In a recent phone survey (46% refused the written survey) of the 435 members of congress, it was found that just over 200 were unable to read. Thanks to the passing of the "Congressmen with Disabilities Act" (the CDA), illiterate congress members are allowed and even encouraged to vote on important bills without reading them. "These 'special' members are given other criteria by which to vote," explains Representative Lewis (sponsor of the CDA bill), "some choose number of words, some choose thickness, some choose what we tell them to choose. This bill has allowed us to pass legislation that we never could have passed with a fully competent house. Passage of this new global warming bill is a great example of a feat that couldn't have been accomplished pre-CDA."

Simple Explanations for the Unprogressive Mind

Should Republicans be held to a higher standard than Democrats when in comes to infidelity?

I hear a lot of Republicans whining that Republican politicians are held to a higher standard than Democrats when it comes to infidelity. Should it be this way? Simply put the answer is yes. Absolutely. People who feel this is unfair are obviously forgetting the unprogressive definition of a conservative. A Conservative is nothing more than a Liberal with morals. You don't hear of Democratic politicians running on the platform of family values.

Obama’s Ingenious Immigration Plan

Many ignorant people have accused Obama of being soft on immigration. The truth is that Obama has figured out the root of our immigration problem: a good economy and capitalism. Obama has been fiercely criticized for some of the moves he has taken to spend our country out of a good economy and convert to socialism, but his tactics literally have immigrants fleeing the country. It’s a small price to pay to have secure borders.

Simple Explanations for the Unprogressive Mind

Why don't liberals want to have children?

Children contribute to global warming and waste the finite resources of our earth. The larger the family...the larger the car...the larger the carbon footprint. Children get in the way of a career, and are proof that a woman is different than a man. Having children often results in having a family, and families breed hate and intolerance. Children get in the way of a fulfilling life as an activist (especially for a pro-choice activist).

Whatever the reason may be that liberals choose not to breed, let's just say 'thanks'. Thanks for proving Darwin's Theory of the 'Survival of the Fittest'. Protest...don't procreate!