Unprogressively Sustainable?

It is important that we support sustainable practices. We need to ask ourselves the tough questions, such as: Was this meat slaughtered in a sustainable manner? Is the slaughter process sufficiently cost efficient that my meat supply will be sustainable year to year? Are their any potential threats that could disrupt the process of killing the cow, packing it in plastic, transporting it to the grocer, and eventually putting it in my mouth? We need to ask ourselves these questions to make sure our stomaches are sustained even in hard times.

New Law Proposal

Legislators from California--the state with the worst economy--seem to have too much power in Congress. A new law needs to be implemented that weighs the vote of senators and congressman according to the current economic condition of their respective states, thereby limiting the damage that policies proposed by legislators from states with failed policies can inflict.

Senator Reid Proposes Some Minor Changes to the Preamble to the Constitution

"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more equal union, invalidate justice, insure global tranquility, provide common healthcare, promote general welfare, and secure ourselves by mortgaging our posterity, do re-ordain and re-establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Adam Lambert's Gay TV Kiss

What Lambert said: "...it happened in the heat of the moment."

What he meant to say: "..I was in heat at the moment."

Obama Clarifies the Significance of Bowing to the Emperor of Japan

"I was not bowing to the Emperor of Japan out of respect for the man, it was simply a metaphor for our new foreign policy" - President Obama

Anti-Stereotyping Campaigns are Destroying Diversity

We are taught from the time we are children to not stereotype. That we shouldn't characterize certain groups by their actions. But, I ask, how are we supposed to help each other maintain our cultures. How is the little Japanese boy to know he is supposed to take absurd amounts of pictures of random objects anytime he goes on vacation? How is the white boy going to know that if he wants to play basketball competitively he better learn to handle the ball and shoot three pointers? How is the little baptist boy to learn to hate gays? How is the little Jewish boy to learn to Jew people? How is the little Asian boy to know he is the smartest kid in his class? Please join with me in my pro-stereotyping campaign to help preserve ALL cultures.

Obamacare becomes Kennedycare

"Nancy Pelosi couldn't even wait until Senator Kennedy was buried to start her smear campaign. This lady is pure evil and it is evident in her latest move to defame the late senator. She was always envious of the overwhelming support that Kennedy received from Democrats and Republicans alike. She has a real jealousy complex. Now that he's gone it is easy for her to slap his name on this already sunk bill and mar his impeccable reputation. She is a smart lady. She will put his name on it and then she and the President will distance themselves from the bill. He will be the fall guy even after he's dead."

-Jamie Pattison Unprogressive Political Analyst

Unprogressive Press Release

Hurricane Bill blows through the House and now moves to the Senate. Democrats are using scare tactics showing the destruction that awaits if Hurricane Bill does not pass. President Obama promises to sign whatever junk comes from the Senate saying, “I will not let this be my Katrina.”

A Toast to Obama's Health

Liberal radio talk show host Ed Shultz said that Conservatives "Want Obama to get shot." Nothing could be further from the truth. Do we wish he hadn't won the election? Yes. Would we like to see him lose the next election? Oh yes! The last thing we want is for something to happen to President Obama and leave Joe Biden in charge. Worst case scenario: Something happens to President Obama and Joe Biden leaving Nanci Pelosi in charge.

Please keep Obama's health and safety in your prayers!

Unprogressive Quote of the Day

"In regard to health care reform, we have once again found that the voice of the majority of Americans is not representative of the will of the people." Arlen Spector

New Economic Recovery Plan

"As you can see from the rectangular shape, it is clearly not a pyramid scheme. We have already filled in the top spots and now all the general public needs to do is sign up and get three more people to sign up. It basically guarantees a job for every American. This plan will allow us to pay off our debtors, fund our socialist programs, and reward the most deserving Americans." --President Obama

Unprogressive Quote of the Day

"North Korea is like an unruly husband. He is pompous, arrogant, and doesn’t listen to anything you say. He shoots off missiles with reckless abandon and at very questionable targets. And if you don’t act preemptively, he will embarrass you in front of the whole world."

-Hillary Clinton Secretary of State

A Raise for the Most Deserving!

This Friday minimum wage will rise from $6.55 to $7.25 an hour. Conservative economists are worried that the raise will lead to layoffs. Joe Palmer, a liberal economist, sees it differently. "This has been a long time coming...but finally a pay increase for those who need it the most. This is a big day for teenagers and lazy bums all over the country. This is a victory for Alice Price, a waitress at a diner, who just really doesn't like to exert herself. It is a victory for 17 year old Stevie Olson who will now be able to afford his new Playstation two weeks earlier than planned. It is a victory for anyone who would rather find a new job than disrespect themselves and actually earn a raise by performing the job duties."

Unprogressive Press Release

3rd Generation Prius
"It is not very often that a car comes a long with as much potential to change an entire generation," says Toyota spokesman Jim Patterson. "The 'green' features on this car are going to produce a level of piousness among its owners that we at Toyota couldn't have even dreamed about when we released the first generation Prius. The owners of the new Prius will automatically be enrolled in our new Eco-Friends program. Eco-Friends will be a support group for Prius owners whose smugness has driven away all of their real friends. We will have paid professional actors pretending to care about these pompous people and their problems. The actors will also offer support to those who realize that they paid so much extra for the hybrid that they will never recoup their money through gasoline savings. It's a win win situation for Prius owners. They get to drive a Prius and have friends--something that was impossible with any previous model."

Reverse Racist Racism?

In all of the news surrounding Sonia Sotomayor, we keep hearing the term "reverse racist". This, of course, refers to her comment about a wise latina women making better decisions than a white male and her ruling in the firefighter descrimination case. The term "reverse racist" is in itself racist. When someone is racist we are supposed to call them a racist. When a white person is racist against minorities we call them a racist. When a minority is racist against white people, apparently (because they are a minority) they are a reverse racist. My question is what do you call a minority who is racist against another minority group?

Unprogressive Press Release

After a serious of botched gifts to foreign heads of state, President Obama was determined to get it right this time. The President's Cabinet advised that he present Russian President Dmitry Medvedev with a gift from simpler times. They advised him to stray from the DVDs and iPods that had embarrassed our entire country. This morning Obama figured out the perfect gift. A gift from his childhood. Something that had prepared him for the difficult decisions he would have to make as president. He presented President Medvedev with the vintage Cold War Edition game of Battleship.

Unprogressive Press Release

Many doctors are threatening to quit if they are forced to perform procedures (such as abortions) that violate their conscience if Obama repeals a Bush era regulation that protects their right to not perform these procedures. In the spirit of compromise, Obama has promised these concerned doctors that in order to make it fair, Muslim and Jewish doctors will also be forced to eat pork in order to relate better to their patients.

Unprogressive Quote of the Day

"I just wanted to go on the record and say...I was unfaithful to my wife and I enjoyed every minute of it. Maria Belen Chapur is my soulmate and I love her like I have never loved anyone. Sadly, in order to save my political career, I will be ending my relationship with Miss Chapur, and I will try to put up with my wife for the rest of my time in politics. I considered resigning, but our country needs men of integrity in office."

Unprogressive Statistic

46% of Congress is Illiterate

In a recent phone survey (46% refused the written survey) of the 435 members of congress, it was found that just over 200 were unable to read. Thanks to the passing of the "Congressmen with Disabilities Act" (the CDA), illiterate congress members are allowed and even encouraged to vote on important bills without reading them. "These 'special' members are given other criteria by which to vote," explains Representative Lewis (sponsor of the CDA bill), "some choose number of words, some choose thickness, some choose what we tell them to choose. This bill has allowed us to pass legislation that we never could have passed with a fully competent house. Passage of this new global warming bill is a great example of a feat that couldn't have been accomplished pre-CDA."

Simple Explanations for the Unprogressive Mind

Should Republicans be held to a higher standard than Democrats when in comes to infidelity?

I hear a lot of Republicans whining that Republican politicians are held to a higher standard than Democrats when it comes to infidelity. Should it be this way? Simply put the answer is yes. Absolutely. People who feel this is unfair are obviously forgetting the unprogressive definition of a conservative. A Conservative is nothing more than a Liberal with morals. You don't hear of Democratic politicians running on the platform of family values.

Obama’s Ingenious Immigration Plan

Many ignorant people have accused Obama of being soft on immigration. The truth is that Obama has figured out the root of our immigration problem: a good economy and capitalism. Obama has been fiercely criticized for some of the moves he has taken to spend our country out of a good economy and convert to socialism, but his tactics literally have immigrants fleeing the country. It’s a small price to pay to have secure borders.

Simple Explanations for the Unprogressive Mind

Why don't liberals want to have children?

Children contribute to global warming and waste the finite resources of our earth. The larger the family...the larger the car...the larger the carbon footprint. Children get in the way of a career, and are proof that a woman is different than a man. Having children often results in having a family, and families breed hate and intolerance. Children get in the way of a fulfilling life as an activist (especially for a pro-choice activist).

Whatever the reason may be that liberals choose not to breed, let's just say 'thanks'. Thanks for proving Darwin's Theory of the 'Survival of the Fittest'. Protest...don't procreate!

Unprogressive Press Release

Britain Says: Gays Only!

Britain's Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, who made headlines a fews weeks back by banning US radio talk show host Michael Savage, announced today that Britain's "Least Wanted List" will be expanded to include everyone except homosexuals. "The passive nature of the gays make them the only group that can truly be trusted," explains Smith. "All other people are suspect. With a gay, two things are certain: they are nonviolent and they are loving. It is a privilege to come to our country, and we want people to know what type of people are welcome."

In fear of people posing to be gay to gain entrance into the country, travelers may be asked to "prove" their gayness.

Unprogressive Press Release

Congress Moves to Block Bold Schwarzenegger Deal

San Diego, CA - In one of the boldest moves of these economic times, Gov. Schwarzenegger has reached a deal with the President of Mexico to sell the city of San Diego (and everything south of it) to Mexico. Schwarzenegger defended his move by saying, "this agreement will take California out of the red. Citizens of San Diego will still be allowed to sneak across the border and have free use of L.A. area ERs."

Representative Miller (R-MD), who is heading up the congressional action, said, "The power to sell part of a state is out of the governers hands. The question still remains: Why such a beautiful part of the state? Did he even consider Los Angeles?"

Unprogressive Quote of the Day

"I am not a homophobe"

"When considering whether to accept the free breast augmentation offered by Donald, I considered equally the pleasure that it would bring to heterosexual males and homosexual females.

Simple Explanations for the Unprogressive Mind

Why 'Fox News' Outperforms 'MSNBC' & 'CNN' Combined

I have been curious over the past few days as to why 'Fox News' does so much better than it's more liberal counterparts--so I decided to figure it out. After watching a couple episodes of "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" it became clear to me; I felt like I was watching the SportsCenter blooper reel of 'Fox News'. Every story he covered was something stupid that some 'Fox News' pundit had said or done (mostly thanks to Hannity and Beck). I guess in short, my answer is a question: Why watch the blooper reel when you can watch the big game?

Unprogressive Quote of the Day

"Give a man a fish...and he eats for a day. But give a man an extra $15 per paycheck...and he feeds his family, makes his car payment, pays off his mortgage, and puts his kids through college." --Nancy Pelosi